Ode to My Dog, Pudge

Things were fine before the best dog in the entire universe burst into our lives, but they were infinitely better – and sometimes worse, but mostly better – with her. We contemplated naming her Trixe or Peanut-butter, but settled on Pudge to honor Ivan Rodriguez or maybe it was Carlton Fisk. I can’t quite remember, but Pudge it was.

Pudge amused us with her antics. She ignored the no-dogs-on-the-furniture rule from the moment of its inception, drank from the toilet and notoriously unspooled entire rolls of toilet paper across the family room like a Halloween prankster whenever one of us forgot to shut the bathroom door.

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Don’t Kiss the Dog

Originally published January 23, 2012.

I love my dog, Pudge. What’s not to love? She’s loyal, and smart, and cute. She’s the best dog in the whole entire universe. Even so, she is not allowed, under any circumstances, to kiss me. I don’t kiss her either. I will hug her, cuddle her, scratch behind her ears, and rub her belly till the cows come home, but no kissing. I simply will not allow it.

My kids think kissing the dog is perfectly acceptable. In fact, when Christian comes home after having been away at college for months at a time, the first thing he does is kiss the dog. No affectionate greeting for mama when he walks through the door. Nope. No leaping into my waiting embrace, proclaiming how much he missed me. Nope. He drops to his knees and kisses the dog AND he lets her kiss him back AND he seems to enjoy it. Blechkkk. Dog germs.

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My Dog, Pudge

Originally published June 13, 2011.

Have you ever been loved by a dog? Not dog as in, “You need to leave that lyin’, cheatin’ dog,” or, “She’s a real dog, but has a great personality!” I mean an honest-to-goodness-four-legged-tail-wagging-bad-breath-in-your-face dog because, regardless of pedigree (yours – not the dog’s), nobody will ever love you like a dog. A dog’s love is unconditional and the only thing he expects from you is a lasting place in your heart. Did I mention that I’m loved by the best dog in the entire universe? That’s right. My dog, Pudge, is THE BEST DOG IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE. Please do not attempt to argue that your dog’s better. He’s not.

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What Happens Between the Sheets…

Originally published December 28, 2010

I have a secret, but before I launch into telling you what it is, let me say a few things. First off there is something inherently funny about passing gas. Insert the sound of someone passing gas into just about any situation and BAM! You’ve got instant comic relief. The perpetrator doesn’t even need to be a person. The other day I was sitting at the kitchen table reading the newspaper. I was scanning the obituaries, which is by no means a funny section, when from beneath the table came that unmistakable combination squeaking-hissing sound. It struck me so funny that I laughed out loud. It was of course, Pudge passing gas. Yes, even the best dog in the whole entire universe passes gas, which is a perfect segue into the next point I would like to make.

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