FACT: Women with Flat Butts Have Lower IQs Than Women with Fat Butts

A few days ago I offended a bunch of liberal-minded folks by publishing a post on the findings of a Harvard University study, FACT: Liberals Have Lower IQs Than Conservatives. The truth hurts, but still, I don’t want to be responsible for anyone’s bruised ego so today I  issue the following warning. IF YOU ARE SKINNY WOMAN WITH A FLAT BUTT, PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

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Photo Credit: http://www.taprootfoundation.org/about-probono/blog/how-big-your-butt

Based on findings initially made in 2011 by researchers at Oxford University and recently confirmed by a study at the University of Pittsburgh, fat-bottomed girls do, in fact, make the rockin’ world go ’round. Yes sir, we’re not just exceptional twerkers. We are intellectually superior to our skinny, flat-bottomed sisters. And we manufacture freaking genius babies to boot. Seriously, there is actual scientific evidence that children born to bootie-licious mothers turn out to be brainier than kids with skinny-legged, flat-bottomed moms (a.k.a the kind of moms we fat-bottomed moms love to hate even if we are smarter). Anyway, I am absolutely NOT making any of this up and here’s the bio-chemistry “behind” it.

During pregnancy, a woman’s fat cells mobilize in such a way as to provide nutrients to her developing baby. Nothing new, right? Well, it turns out the type of fat cells attached to a female’s thighs and buttocks contain large amounts of Omega 3 fatty acids and other lipids which are essential to the developing brain and nervous system. The bigger a mom’s butt, the more Omega 3 fatty acids and lipids she passes onto her baby. In addition, breast-fed babies continue to receive these brain-building nutrients after they are born so ladies, it’s best not to worry about fitting into those jeans until baby is weaned.

Just imagine my joyful surprise! For more than two decades I’ve been giving my husband, with his big brain and Asian genes, all the credit for producing two exceedingly brilliant sons when, in fact, I and my fat (albeit callipygous) rump had a little something to do with it after all. (Note to Christian and Jared: You’re welcome for not losing the baby weight till you left for college.)

Freddy was right..fat bottom girls do, in fact, make the rockin’ world go ’round!

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