There Are Smart Versions of Everything These Days

There are smart versions of everything these days. [RELATED: Are You Smarter Than an iPhone?]

FitBits and Apple Watches are smart and those shamelessly expensive, quasi-autonomous robot vacuum cleaners that tidy up while you kick back and relax are super smart…brilliant even. There are smart phones, smart toasters, smart washing machines, smart cars, smart blue ray players, smart televisions, smart thermostats and smart light bulbs. You name it and there’s a smart version of it. If you can believe it, there are even smart tampons.

Seriously. There really is such a thing. Watch.

Apparently smart tampons look and act like their dumb cousins, except for the the rip cord, which is insulated, much longer (like 12 inches) and connects to a sensor – a.k.a the flow monitor – that clips to the waistband of the user’s panties. The flow monitor senses when the tampon is nearing saturation and communicates via bluetooth with a phone app which in turn sends you customized text notifications… hey, you helpless moron, it’s time to change your tampon.

Evidently the creators of the myFlow smart tampon were inspired by noble intentions like “empowering women through insight” and total obliteration of “menstrual mortification” and “period anxiety” which is apparently like PTSD only much worse. I wouldn’t know because while I’ve experienced my share of “period horror stories,” none have left me permanently (or even temporarily) scarred. Heck, I guess I should be thankful for the other stuff that keeps me awake at night.

I suppose smart tampons are clever and harmless – the perfect gag gift for your BFF’s next milestone birthday. Maybe I’m getting my panties all bunched up in a wad for over nothing, but I don’t think so. Remember this?

The idea of a bluetooth device in my vagina is a little (okay a lot) unsettling. Plus, I keep coming back to the same question: does the world really need smart tampons? And the same answer: No.

Ever since Eve bit the apple women have been handling their periods without issue. According to folks at myFlow, however, they’ve interviewed “hundreds of women” on the topic and insist “over 50%” of them claim they’d buy a tampon monitoring system. Evidently I’m in the minority. Not only do I think smart tampons are ridiculous and unnecessary, I resent the idea that women have digressed to the point of needing to be reminded to undertake something as fundamental personal hygiene. What’s next? Body odor sensors connected to all our stinky parts? Good morning! It’s time to brush your teeth…Take. A. Shower. NOW…You’re having a stressful day, perhaps reapplication of deodorant is in order…

I’m certainly no genius, but as early as the onset of menses and throughout my entire reproductive life, I have inherently known when it was time to change my tampon. It’s not rocket science. Even if you’ve never read the instructions, common sense simply dictates it’s a good idea to change your tampon regularly. Women are not fragile, helpless morons. And we don’t need smart tampons… period.

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