Originally published September 30, 2014.
What do you get when you cross a radical liberal feminist with a psycho snack mom?
Seriously, folks, in case you hadn’t heard, some psycho nut-job of a mom baked vagina cookies, delivered them to her kid’s second grade classroom and became unhinged when the teacher politely refused to serve them to her students because (as said teacher calmly pointed out to psycho mom) VAGINA COOKIES ARE NOT APPROPRIATE SNACKS FOR SEVEN YEAR OLD CHILDREN.
The nerve of some people! (Insert sarcasm.) That teacher didn’t even bother to think about psycho mom’s feeeeelings… I mean do you have any idea how loooooong it takes to bake and decorate anatomically correct vagina cookies?!
I am well acquainted with the stress of attempting to strike the perfect balance between visual appeal, palatability and health benefits in a single serving snack. Indeed, on one or two occasions I have been one of those uber-competitive snack mom types, fiendishly trying to outdo the previous week’s clever confection, but never… NEVER… in all my years have I contemplated bringing a tray of genitalia inspired treats to my kids’ school. And do you want to know why? DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY? Because I am not INSANE. That’s why. (Special note to my sons, Christian and Jared: You’re welcome).
Anyway, apparently psycho mom came a wee bit unglued and started screaming about “vaginal pride” in front of the entire class. And if you think throwing a tantrum and shrieking the word vagina in front of a bunch of second graders is enough drama for one day… WRONG! Later that evening psycho mom sent the following impassioned email to the teacher.
“Miss (Teacher’s Name),
I would just like to take the time and express my feeling of todays incident. I thought you were a very well educated woman due to your accomplishments and, your well known teaching methods. You have completely changed my mind. You are one of the most closed minded women I know. You settled for less when you became a teacher because that is known for a women’s job. Why teaching because you are a woman? Why are you denying important education to our future leaders of the world. I must say that knowing the human body for both men and women is a beautiful thing and you are depriving them for that. We as women should stand together and inform people about the vagina and how to please it. I will no longer be participating on Fridays due to the lack of respect I was shown today. We should celebrate the vagina not be embarrassed by it. So I, (parents’ names), we be taking or trying to take (child’s name) out of your class due to your cliche role in life in being a teacher and not wanting to empower women. I hope you end up with an abusive husband that beats on you every night.”
I’m no saint, but I’ve never wished for nightly beatings from an abusive husband on anyone, even someone really, really annoying like Hillary Clinton or Sandra Fluke or Nancy Pelosi. Ironic, isn’t it, that a woman who chooses to advance the feminist cause via unambiguous, home-baked, confectionary iterations of “vaginal pride” would wish such a thing on another woman?
And by the way, what exactly is “vaginal pride” and when did it become part of common culture? And how do women like Eve Ensler (The Vagina Monologues) and Naomi Wolf (Vagina: A Biography) become so exceedingly proud of their vaginas that they are inspired to write plays and books about them? And whatever happened to simple rice crispy treats for second graders? I don’t get it. I really don’t.
Here’s the deal. I’m as vain as the next gal. I’m proud of my sassy, new haircut and I think I have nice teeth, but my vagina is…well… it’s just sort of there. I’ve never had penis envy and I don’t have vagina pride. If anything, what I possess is vagina humility. You know, as in having a modest view of my vagina’s importance in the world.
The truth is I simply don’t have strong feelings about my vagina one way or the other. I mean I’m certainly fine with having one (particularly when giving birth), but I don’t feel compelled to draw attention to it and I’m certainly not baking pastries that depict and glorify it.
Call me old fashioned, but I don’t get this whole “vaginal pride” business. Maybe that’s because there’s nothing particularly spectacular about my vagina. Whatever. The fact is I do not possess “vaginal pride” and even if I did, I’m confident I’d take the subtle approach in expressing it. Maybe bake something more traditional, let’s say a pineapple upside-down cake… with a cherry on top.
Copyright © 2014 Antoinette D. Datoc All Rights Reserved